exhale

I can finally breathe. A little. I finished my last final today, at least until the 20th (I have one last final before we leave town for Christmas). I’m tired. But I’m good. My heart is good, and God has been so faithful. He has totally proved his presence in my life in these last couple weeks. I know I couldn’t have done it alone, and it’s been awesome to watch Him work in me when I felt there was nothing left. God’s really used Matt too, to be there for me in my overly-anxious and teary breakdowns and for Ben and Jerry’s runs, and Golden Spoon. Got an early start on the holiday spare tire! Anyway, he’s been so sweet and just been here for me to lean on. It’s been long and hard, but I feel supported. And relieved. Anybody know a great masseuse? I got a little tension happening!

Just a little glimpse into the past couple weeks:

Things got a little crazy…

Then a little desperate…

But finals week calls for major backup.

Burn Out.

I’m on the verge today. The stress is killing me. I am ALMOST DONE with nursing school. The end of this quarter marks my ability to write state boards and get my licence, and finally start makin’ some money! But above all that excitement is this looming, overwhelming pressure that makes me want to snap. I’m sitting in a class of a review of a test that tells me basically whether I’ll pass the state licence exam. I passed the readiness test–barely. Just barely. Everything feels like it’s by the skin of my teeth right now. But God is doing amazing things. Matt and I are praying together a lot right now, which really makes satan mad. And we can feel it. I can feel how threatened satan is by the new successes in our marriage and by my readiness to enter into the world as a tool for Christ, instead of just a tired student all the time. It’s just amazing to me how much satan is just begging me and pushing me to fail. Showing me it’s impossible, constantly telling me there’s no way for me to finish and succeed in time for the quarter to end. He wants me to believe that failure is inevitable just because…I’m growing. I’m stretching. I’m doing more than I possibly could have pictured myself being able to do. And he hates that. And I can feel it. And I’m feeling exactly what he wants me to feel…that I’m going to fail–at everything. I’m in that situation like Pastor Matt talks about where God is hanging on to me like I’m a toddler, dragging me along, tripping all the way…only I’m doing that throw-myself-on-the-floor-screaming “Just drag me I can’t walk!”

Why my title is what it is.

I chose “growth” as the title of this blog for many reasons. First, because I need it all the time. Second, because it’s the hardest thing to do. And third, because I hope those who read this blog will see growth in me over time as I add to this. I don’t know at this point how committed I will be to this blog. I just know that I would love to grow through whatever I take on in life, even if it is just writing my thoughts.